dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
