i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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