nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
