i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
