Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
