Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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