i already hear my dad disowning me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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