On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
