After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Randomize
