My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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