i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
