just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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