Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
