Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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