final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
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