dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize