I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
