Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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