Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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