I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
