yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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