Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
