The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
