I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize