420 ftw
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
