I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
