Soap is not a condiment
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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