i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
