We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
