Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
