My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
