two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
