I just cut my nipple shaving
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
