i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
