I can text with my tongue
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
