he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
