Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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