drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
