my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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