her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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