Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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