Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize