I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
