what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
