and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
