Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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