I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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