I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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