Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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