u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
