I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
