I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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