fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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