I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
