I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
