first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
