I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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