FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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