Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
