i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
